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…just little ole me, Underdog.”

Well this is fascinating. Just fascinating, to me, at least. I was about to commit hari-kiri on Facebook but I stopped myself just in time.

I find myself in a desolate frame of mind, trapped in my head by the pain of a stubborn migraine and what I can only describe as the fruit of rampant rumination…PARANOIA!

All I can think about is what a failure I am. And yet I don’t feel that this failure is my fault. For the first time in my whole life, I am starting to direct the blame for my self-destructive feelings outward. For the first time I am engaged in ideation of self-harm…but not because I hate myself. No, it’s because of THEM.

Them, them, them.  The twofaced people, the enemies who are trying to take me down.  I’m tired of worrying about the purpose of my life.  They have sought to negate that purpose, to reduce everything I’ve accomplished in seven years of heartbreaking and crazy-making striving to meaninglessness.  The good I’ve done is totally outweighed by my perception of their perceptions of my failings, (and my own confirmation of same).  My mind tells me I’m being ridiculous. So does my husband, on a daily basis.  But that changes nothing.

That doesn’t change my desire to tell THEM ALL to go to hell, and that on the way there THEY can CONGRATULATE  THEMSELVES for destroying me and everything I’ve worked to do, all the little differences I’ve made in people’s lives reduced to nothing and invalidated thanks to the things that they’ve said.  This is the first time I’ve wanted to kill myself not only to escape myself, but to SHOW THEM what THEY have done to me. I don’t know why this is.  I wish I knew, precisely, who THEY are.

This is so weird. My anti-suicide checklist is in my brain too, and part of me wants it to shut up. A trusted family member says I should stop pursuing the cause and pay attention to my family. But what about me? I’ve already failed as a family member. And as far as my work goes, I haven’t succeeded in achieving anything significant to me since last April. So what use am I????? In comparison with the epic heroism of  others, my efforts are a fucking joke. Why? Because I just can’t handle it any more.  In practice, I gave up months ago.  The helplessness of trying to operate in an environment that is so hostile. Last year’s newcomers to the cause, whom I trusted, but who were really just around to judge and find fault. They who think my family and I aren’t good enough to succeed in our cause, when we were succeeding just fine for six years before THEY got involved, THEY are the ones who have steered me, and my family, into crash-and-burn trajectory.

Thank you, thank you, thank you. You know who you are. You have all very possibly succeeded in removing another small resource from a population that needs all the resources it can get. And you have destroyed my family by destroying my life. Congratulations, you should all feel very proud of yourselves!

See, those are the thoughts in my head! Yuck! They are there all the time, but they don’t always enrage me.  They simply make me vulnerable to frequent anxiety attacks, have headaches, and lose sleep. But everyone has people they don’t get along with, and all people who are trying to do something have challenges, people ARE assholes, and life ISN’T fair and never has been, to anyone, and there is no reason that all of a sudden I should be so filled with rage and hatred over it.

So I am trying to look at these weird, hostile feelings with interest, as a curiosity, because suicide and/or self-harm doesn’t hurt your enemies. It simply gives them more ammunition, and you are no longer around to prove them wrong. Meanwhile, it eviscerates your family and pisses off your friends. So it’s never a good idea.

And I can’t let go of the need to go on doing my small, miniscule, apparently meaningless good deeds, despite what my trusted advisor says. Letting go of the desire to help people and animals isn’t so easy as the people around me seem to think it should be.  The very Idea that I should tell the few people whom I–perhaps mistakenly–believe depend on me, to go away, is causing me even MORE anxiety and self-devaluation. Don’t the people pressuring me to do this realize that if clients & volunteers are pushed away now “for six months,” they are NOT going to be lined up at the end of that time waiting to return? Because they are NOT! They will have hurt feelings at first, and then they will go on with their lives and find a more worthy cause to support. A “six-month hiatus for re-evaluation” will simply end our organization. I can’t believe that isn’t obvious.

What can I learn? What can I take away from this that will be useful to me, what to help me be there for my family, who apparently are supposed to benefit from this mutilation?

There is a lesson in here somewhere, if I only had the wit to see it.

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4 Comments

  1. Don’t care what others think or whether they are pleased. You do what makes you feel good and like you are doing something meaningful. You should tune this negative garbage out. Look for positive reinforcement. I know one thing, not very many people illness or not, would bother with anything that didn’t pay them. You have a good heart, now you just need somewhere to share it whre there are positive people will support you. Im not trying to tell you what to do. Im just trying to let you know to look for options to make this situation better. You deserve better for your effort.

    Like

    • Thank you carlarenee, that was an unexpected shot in the arm! I really feel sorry for complaining, and am trying to find the silver lining in all this.

      Like

      • dont be sorry for complaining. That is part of the reason we blog lol

        Like

  2. True! 🙂

    Like


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