Update

Some days, I can’t see a way forward. This is one of those days. Climate is stressful. Future uncertain. I can’t bear the thought of going to work. I’m afraid of losing my job. I don’t know why, and I don’t know how long I can hang on. I need change.

What to do, what to do. Call my provider’s crisis line? My self-esteem is too low to consider wasting their time.

When this happens, I have a hard time finding the solution-oriented person I’ve learned to become after 50 years of this. So, grasping at straws, I bang my way through piano music, making it up on the spot sometimes, almost invariably some repetitive doom-laden lacrimose storm front in the key of A minor. I update my Linkedin in the hope of finding some sort of freelance work in case the worst-case scenario comes to pass, and everything in my profile looks amateur and stupid. I immerse myself in tasks around the house that are normally satisfying, but I’m still hyperventilating.

When these feelings overwhelm, I can’t help worrying. I can’t help worrying that I’m relapsing. This feels like a mixed-manic shitshow.

And watching the world around me, it seems evident that I’m not alone, that this is nothing special. But your life matters. Go ahead and call the crisis line, if you are in my boat.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 800-273-TALK (8255)

NAMI Help Line: 800-950-6264

Visit www.nami.org for tons of resources.